Thank God for Mom Guilt!

Anju had her 3-year old pictures taken today. Now I can finally wipe off my "guilt" list the fact that my other kids were taken to the studio likely 5 times during their first 2 years of life and have photo albums full of 8x10's of babies/toddlers at various stages of development and to date Anju has a couple blow ups of orphanage pics (with mis-matched or wrong sized clothing) and a couple pictures I took in hers. While I think my pics are nice, it's not the same as a well-framed professional shot.

She posed like a true model, and although she was very serious through the whole shoot, she would laugh and smile when the photographer tickled her mother with the "tickle wand" or when she saw her Daddy play peek-a-boo with her doll, Daisy.

At the mall after the photo session, I was looking in JoAnn in the scrapbooking section (again, motivated by guilt in combination with a great sale) and ended up next to a grandma-looking lady who was admiring Anju. It turns out she has a granddaughter the same age as Anju who is also small for her age, and quickly in our conversation it came out that she also has a granddaughter who will soon be 5 who also has the same type of spina bifida Anju has. With one child born with lipomyelomeningocele in every 10,000 births, it isn't really an everyday occurrence.

And, this child lives not far from a good friend of mine in the San Diego area. In fact, the picture she showed me of the girl was taken at the Wild Animal Park only a few miles from my friend's home! Hopefully this mom will contact me, as her child is struggling with toileting issues and this is something I've done research on.

So, my "mom guilt" gets me some beautiful portraits of my princess, and some networking with another sb family. Maybe there is a purpose to it after all?

Little Anju

All the comments from strangers lately about how tiny Anju is, and "She's three?????" are starting to get to me. She's Indian, right? She's supposed to be little? And her growth was stunted by growing up in an institution, right? Plus, I know a couple other girls within a month of her age who aren't too much bigger than her.

Well, I decided to compare her growth to the Indian growth charts used by Indian pediatricians just to see how she fares compared to people who supposedly have her same background. (On the American charts she looks like skin-and-bones, ready-to-die, seriously ill/malnourished.) Keeping in mind, of course, that these are averages of "affluent" children.

Well, comparing her height and weight to two growth charts, here and here, she is still behind. Her weight is about the 3% on one and 10% on the other, but her height is well below the 3%.

I'm wondering how much "catch-up" growth is yet to come. I've also read that children with spinal defects tend to be short. Any India mamas or daddies out there with older kids that could shed any light on this issue?

Obviously, my Anju is perfect at any size. :-)

Birthday pics

Anju with her bear pancake at Perkins, where we enjoyed a very rare restaurant meal.

Jonah kindly gave his sister some awesome gifts.

Anju opens her lifebook--a book all about her life in India

and how she came to be a part of our family.

I created it online and had it bound into a hardcover book.

Anju and her Dora cake- chocolate with yellow buttercream icing.

Yes, I've spent hours decorating Elmo and flower cakes

with special pans and decorator tips in the past.

This is what you get at 8 a.m.

Birthday Girl

Anju with "Baby Anju" and "Baby Solveig"

Today, my Anju Grace is 3! She fully understands that it is her birthday, and has been talking about it for weeks. When she woke up this morning, the first thing she wanted was help making a "3" with her fingers, as her thumb and pinky were having trouble staying together. She said, "Now I not 2 anymore. My 'bird-day'!"

She went potty and got dressed, and I asked her if she wanted breakfast. "No beckfist. My Dora cake for my bird-day." So, apparently at 7 a.m. you should get chocolate cake on your birthday. Not a bad idea, actually, but since I had yet to bake it, I received a very evil 3-year old look. She helped me stir it up around 8 a.m., and her mood improved.

Shawn called her birthday into the local radio station, and she was very excited to hear "Anju Stafford of Lengby is 3 today," on the radio. "He know my bird-day!"

We're going to story time at the library soon, and then will have birthday supper/cake/gifts tonight with the kids.

I found some vintage Strawberry Shortcake wrapping paper (1978) at the local thrift sale in perfect condition to wrap some of her gifts with. I was thinking, this morning, as I wrapped, that this paper was produced when I was 3. Weird thought.

We are extremely thankful for our little Anju and are so blessed to have watched her grow emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually this past year. We are ever thankful to her first family for giving us the opportunity to help this precious lamb reach her full potential. As they are possibly thinking of her this week (her birthday is estimated), I pray they feel peace with their decision, and somehow know that all is well with her.

Happy Birthday, Anju!

Easter eggs

Thanks for the Wikki Stix, Dad!

It all started with Charlie.

Jonah made this creation on our living room wall with some

Wikki Stix my dad got for the kids. Jonah named him Charlie.

Solveig followed suit by decorating her door and doorknob.

So, while the kids were at school today, Anju thought it was only fitting that Jonah's name also be on Solveig's door. She found the bag of Wikki Stix, walked upstairs to Solveig's door, and asked me how to spell "Jonah". I told her, and she said, "OK".

And put his name on the door.

The last thing an adoptive parent wants to hear:

I heard on the radio that a mother had sent her adopted child unaccompanied on an airplane back to Moscow to "return" him because she didn't want to parent him anymore. You may have already heard it. The full story is here.

The US adoption agency which has had it's Russia program suspended is WACAP, the organization we first worked with before switching to AIAA (when we found Anju online), and which we still have an open file with, if we were interesting in another waiting child. Ashraya uses WACAP and AIAA to place children in the US, so many of our Ashraya friends used WACAP to get their little ones home.

A stupid move like this ruins it for hundreds of parents who are waiting for their Russian children. It ruins it for all the Russian orphans waiting in less than wonderful circumstances for a way out with an adoptive family in the US. It ruins the name of what many consider to be one of the most reputable adoption agencies in the country. It tarnishes the whole concept of international adoption for some people. And, with this high publicity, it can trickle over to other countries and wreck the whole adoption system in the US.

But worse of all, it ruins it for all of the adopted kids here in the US whose parents have told them that they are in their "forever families".....because in this case, he wasn't. Our children need to know that we will overcome any obstacle (and let me tell you from my own experience and especially the experiences of some of my friends who are new adoptive parents, there are BIG obstacles) to love them and care for them and always be there for them. Adopted or biological, family is forever.

I understand from my own research that children adopted from Russia and culturally-similar countries have the highest rates of problems when they get home with attachment and many, many of them have been abused in the orphanage. We had a high-profile case here in the Fargo area a couple years ago where a teen adopted from Russia killed his adoptive sister and sexually assaulted her body afterward. He testified that he had been sexually, physically and emotionally abused in his orphanage, and that most of the other children had been too. This is extremely sad.

That said, a prospective adoptive parent should be aware of this before committing to adopt a child who could have these types of needs. We were made to think about and prepare for every eventuality and even had an education session with an attachment therapist to prepare us to deal with the signs of attachment disorder. Whether it is the agency who should have weeded this mother out before she was able to adopt or the mother who neglected to do her homework, this type of situation should not be happening.

I pray that the Russian authorities will see this as an anomaly with a very ignorant and careless woman who did not fully use the resources available to her, and decide not to halt Russian adoptions to the US. However, after other recent cases involving adopted Russian children, I fear that is not going to happen.

Although there were many essential elements missing in her early years, I praise God that we have seen no evidence of any type of abuse (besides neglect) in Anju's past. I am so thankful for the healthy adjustment our daughter has made to her new family, language and culture, and pray for those whose adjustment has had more challenges. Parenting (adoptive and biological) brings daily challenges. Only with God's help are we able to do right by our children.