As any good mom would do, I've got her school supplies purchased, labeled with her name, and near the door ready to go. We've got her outfit picked out for the first day. I've got all the registration paperwork filled out together with insurance waviers, snacktime sign-ups and personality inventories. We're good to go.
However, the last question on her survey "about Anju" got me thinking. "Is there anything else I should know about your child?" it says. Having already written about her medical information, fears, goals, strengths, weaknesses, etc., I see a big truth about my child which isn't yet on the paper. Her adoption.
Suddenly, it all comes at me at once. What if the students ask her questions like, "Are those your REAL parents?" or "Where are you from?". What if the teacher wants us to bring in pictures we don't have or information we aren't sure of for a school project? What if she stands out in the sea of white faces so that she is singled out, or stereotyped or bullied?
Up to now, I've been with her to field such winning comments and questions as, "Does she speak English?", "Does she know how lucky she is?", "How much did she cost?", "She is so cute! You sure picked a good one!" and "Where is her real family?". Now she will be on her own.
I acknowledge we're talking about a room full of 5 and 6 year olds, and not a gang of knife-weilding tuffs, but in my experience, kids can be cruel. So, I think about how I can prevent any misunderstandings about our family and how Anju came to be a part of it before anything traumatic or unfortunate is said--- without being overbearing and overreacting to the situation.
I decide to write the basics on the survey: that Anju was adopted at 19 months from India, and that if any kids have any questions about the situation, or if the teacher overhears any comments about our family or Anju's race, that I'd be happy to come to the classroom to answer any questions about adoption they might have. I cruise the "Adoptive Families Magazine" website for their resources about talking to classrooms and teachers about adoption. I read a few articles and feel much better about the situation........ until I get to the sections about alternatives for common projects which may be touchy for an adopted kid (especially international adopted) to do, like family tree or baby-themed projects. I see that they have the projects covered. But they can't fix everything. The projects need to be altered, because we don't know some things. We don't have some things. There are details missing we will never have.
At kindergarten registration, they handed out a poem about how we had had our children for 5 years, and now it was time for them to "fly". (It was sappy and lame and I refuse to find it and post it for you all.) I remember thinking at the time that I HADN'T had her for 5 years and how unfair it was. It's sad to not have the information you need to do a poster about what she was like as a baby........but you can work around it. However, the bigger sadness is that we don't know what she was like as a baby.
I try to focus on the bigger picture. Things that lie ahead- things that are in our control- and let the losses slip into the background.
The bus will come, and my little Anju will (probably with some help) tackle the big steps and get on board. We don't know some things about her past. That's sad. But, her career as student is beginning, and the future holds endless possibilities. And, that's more than wonderful.
3 comments:
Who are the families at your school?
Sadly, there are not a lot of Cleaver type families in our schools today. Some families have 2 mom's, others live with dad, but used to live with mom, before they were in the foster home. Some come home everyday to no one, no supper being made and no one to care how their day was. We have some who will say, "So and so is going to be my cousin." I asked, "how so?" If my real dad marries my mom's sister, we will be cousins." I could go, but I think you see where I am going.
Your family stability will be a blessing to Anju's new friends and school. And when in second grade, they asign a huge project on genealogy, yours will appear much less complicated than most.
Jared actually loved messing people about his adoption. People would say, your brother looks just like you (James has a round head and Jared an oval head and could not look more different) and he would just laugh inside.
Every family does it differently, but when we did a genealogy for the boys we used Larrys' and my family. The blood may not be a dna match, but they are my children's ancestors. James recognizes his siblings and their relationship to him, but his connection is to us. Jared was contacted by his birth siblings last year and went to New York to meet with 4 of the 7. (4 different dads-now there is a family tree)
I hear you with the comments about loving your child for 5 years now. We adopted James @ 6. When I think at what we were doing from 1989-1995... having fun, moving to MN.... during his horrid first 6 years, and I get guilt ridden. Not that we could have done anything about it, but I knew he was in a living hell. It hurts.
You are in my prayers. I get it.
Our kids are in a different category, but it's under the column of "Awesome."
God Bless
Stephanie W., what a nicely written response. I enjoyed it as much as your blog, Amy. Thanks for sharing your hearts, moms. You talked about past and future, and I just want to encourage you for the PRESENT, as well. You are faithfully doing your loving best for your children, and what blessings they enjoy EACH DAY, now, because of the family into which God has placed them. As they grow, they learn how to bless and serve others~ even though, unknowingly, they already do.
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